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04 June 2011 @ 07:47 pm
This is a message to everyone on my friend's list. This will be cross posted on Tumblr and Facebook. I am changing my name to Alexander. I know that some of you have just gotten used to calling me Aidan, and some of you have only known me as Aidan. If you want to keep calling me Aidan, that's fine. I'm keeping it as a nickname. I mean, my name used to be Anne with the nickname of Anita. So I figure, what's the big deal? If you want to message me about it, you're more than welcome.
26 May 2011 @ 05:13 pm
god why am I even trying

no one likes my art

no one likes my stories

I'm not better than any of my peers

I should just give up
How I Feel: depresseddepressed
Answer: I've been on tumblr. I've pretty much abandoned my LJ in exchange for that, so if you want to follow me, my url is livingsoul12066.tumblr.com

Other than that, I'm doing pretty good. My birthday went off without a hitch, and I got to see some old friends again, which was great. Cake ended up just saying "Happy Birthday," which was fine. And it was pretty cool when we sang the birthday song and only my mom and bro called me by my birth name.

School has just started, and aside from having to take one class over again, everything's going pretty good.

That's all! =D
How I Feel: tiredtired
18 March 2011 @ 12:09 am
Just kinda the plan/an idea.

If I get any feminine gifts that I know I'll never use, I'll sell it on ebay or something.

The cake is kind of a bigger challenge. I know my mom will want me to get "Anne" on it. Which... you know, she's buying it for me. So I guess she's kind of entitled to that. I'm thinking of asking her if I can get my name on it, but I'll probably chicken out.

If I do chicken out/she tells me to put "Anne" on it before I can ask, I'll be getting myself a cake later, that has "Aidan" on it. Not like, a properly sized cake. Just a small one, just for me.

God now I made myself sad :'(
How I Feel: sadsad
17 February 2011 @ 08:44 pm
That awkward moment when you have a crush on a fifteen-year-old gay girl on the other side of the country. And despite how weird the situation sounds, it kinda works in a weird sort of way.

And I'm all sat here like "Am I doing something wrong? What do."
How I Feel: confusedconfused
29 January 2011 @ 12:50 am
If you could transform into any object for 24 hours, what would it be, and why?
A blanket. Because then I could hug people and keep them warm all day =)
18 January 2011 @ 09:01 pm
So I gave myself a #2 buzz cut last night, and edited the off bits today, so it's all kinda perfectly the same.

But now I'm feeling all dysphoric about parts of my body that didn't really bother me before. Like my eyes for example. Usually, only my lips bother me, and even then not very much. But now I look in the mirror and see that my eyes are so big and so feminine and I kinda cringe in my mind. I see my shoulders being narrow, I see my neck and head not having quite the right shape.

So yeah. I've been getting more and more out of touch, more out of "that's what I look like at the moment" with my body overall in the last few weeks than I have over the nearly two years I've identified as transgender.

And I was thinking about my attitude towards bras this evening as I was driving home from school. I have never willingly worn a bra. I've only done it because I "had to." Either according to society or because my chest was so massive that it would be detrimental to my body to go without one. When I first started with sports/training bras, it was like a rite of passage, but nothing more. It was "look, I have (a) _______, I'm more grown-up than you!", nothing else. But for about two years after that, I would periodically not wear a bra while out in public. Including one time when we went to Disneyland.

The only thing that has changed recently is that I am actively not wearing a bra most of the time now.

I'm pretty sure I was blind and/or ignorant of gender roles up until I was 15 or so. I'm aware of them now, but they still don't make a whole lot of sense.
How I Feel: pensivepensive
08 January 2011 @ 05:23 pm
This is... REALLY cliche of me to post here. I mean LiveJournal in general, not my particular journal.

I'm feeling really down 'cause I decided to actually start thinking about how much my life is messed up and how unhappy I am and all that stuff because I've been avoiding it for years. That wouldn't be so much of a problem if I didn't feel completely ignored, which only furthers two of my issues (abandonment issues and this fear that no one actually likes me). I've been crying off an on all afternoon and into this evening. I don't want to go to my mom or any friends 'cause I feel like I'm just annoying them with all my problems. My mom wouldn't get it anyways...

Also, my chest is at least a whole cup size bigger than it was in July. Am I getting fatter or wtf is going on??

How I Feel: depresseddepressed
08 November 2010 @ 10:59 pm
I hate my life right now. My mom thinks I'm crazy for "thinking" I'm transgender, I can hardly stand being trans anymore, I recently realized I'm at least ten thousand dollars (give or take ten years) away from top surgery, and I can't go unbound 'cause my chest is kinda huge.

oh gods i can't stand it.

I'm not even close to being able to go on T 'cause that costs about a hundred or two a month, but besides that I can't even get an official diagnosis from my current therapist 'cause she doesn't support GIDs classification as a mental disorder. I agree with her, it's definitely physical as in I should be fixing my body to match my brain, not the other way around. But without a real, official diagnosis, my mom won't believe me and she might not believe me anyways, and neither will my dad or anyone else.

Besides that, even with a proper diagnosis, no one would help me. I wouldn't dare ask my friends for help, I know they all have their own problems and I can't be that selfish, my parents won't help because they don't believe me and I'm actually starting to believe that they will disown me once I legally change my name and/or gender. I don't think any of my extended family would help 'cause they're all pretty conservative and/or Christian-type religious.

So I can't do a damn thing for at least another two years. Honestly, the only thing that's really stopping me from wanting to die is the knowledge that if I killed myself, I'd be remembered as Anne, as a girl.
How I Feel: depresseddepressed